If a man speaks or acts with evil thoughts, pain follows him - Buddha (A review of The Sociopath next door, by Martha Stout)

I became interested in exploring sociopathy after I finished watching the eight-season Showtime series, Dexter, about a seemingly sociopath blood spatter expert working in the Miami Metro Homicide unit.  Dexter was trained by his homicide investigator father and Evelyn Vogel, a neuropsychiatrist specializing in profiling psychopaths, to be a benevolent serial killer.  Dexter would investigate, hunt down and kill other serial killers and murderers.  What got me interested in the subject was Dr. Vogel’s reassurances to Dexter that as a sociopath, Dexter was perfect and “exactly as nature intended you to be”; “I believe that psychopaths are not a mistake of nature. They're a gift….They're Alpha wolves, who helped the human race survive long enough to become civilized. An indispensable demographic.”, to which Dexter replied “Well, one of your indispensable demographics is still out there killing.”

So I pondered whether the 4% of the population inflicted with ‘lack of consciousness’ is a necessary order of life, and to this book I went looking for answers.  As a point of reference, the incidence of anorexia in the general population is 3.43%, and schizophrenia which gets a lion’s share of mental malady coverage is only 1%.  Sociopaths affect society far more profoundly than many popularly debated and written about psychoses, but when a sociopath commits a publicized crime, the sociopathy diagnosis is often lacking.

Prior to watching Dexter, I had the impression of violent and evil strongly associated with sociopathy, and I suspect most people do as well.  This, as Dr. Stout argues, is not the case.  Sociopaths can have differing tendencies, and many are nonviolent, but most are deviant and share the following characteristics:  Lack of empathy, guilt, connection to others, love.  “The absence of an intervening sense of responsibility based in emotional attachment is associated with an endless, usually futile preoccupation with domination, and results in substantial life disruption and eventual deterioration.”

Along the way, I got answers to:  What is the purpose of conscience?  Lack of conscience, why is it such a negative thing, and why does it lead sociopaths to commit evil acts?  Why can’t people with lack of conscience behave normally otherwise?  What sorts of behaviors are a consequence of lack of conscience?  Are there remedies or cures for sociopaths?  Do they want to be helped? What are the signs to look for in a sociopath, and how do people protect themselves in an encounter with one?

Great book even though it may be dated from its 2005 publication year.

Failed to realize my lifelong dream.... for now!

On a Sunday afternoon a couple of weeks ago (4-23-2018), I searched for the lowest priced homes in Laguna, hoping one of those piece of feces 1-2 bedroom shacks on the mountainous two-lane highway to Laguna Beach would pop up on Zillow.  Lo and behold, I came across these manufactured homes across from the Montage Beach for an average price of less than $200K! One in particular - pictures to the left - caught my attention.  It was a 600 sqr. ft. one-bedroom newly built unit for $147K.  The catch is, you don't own the land, and you pay a hefty $3K a month rent for the land, which includes association fee.

So I excitedly plunked down my $5K deposit, obtained the lease contract from the builder/land owner whom we shall not name here, and began reviewing the terms..... O M G!!!!  I stopped reading and taking notes on page 9 of the 40-page agreement.  The terms were so egregiously stacked in favor of the builder at the expense of
the buyer that I saw no chance of negotiating this monstrosity to anything resembling a balanced contract.

The contract term was 20 years, which was a relief at first because seemingly, I the buyer, would have a long term commitment from the land owner to stay in their location.  But everything else royally blew.  The worst provision was that the land owning company had the latitude to make any changes to the contract at any time, which would leave the seller to either accept the amended terms or pick up his house and move it off premises.

Pluck that!  So to make a long story short, I got my deposit back and didn't look back; quite relieved, actually, that I didn't get myself into a regrettable and long term massive financial commitment.  Now, I read and write contracts for a living, but what about the rest of the unsuspecting population who don't read or understand the fine print???

Putting company resources to good use

Slow motion video with a money shot ending + cheer.  Turn up sound.

Irresponsible Kids

I snapped this picture at my kids' elementary school today to show the prevalence of irresponsible kids who toss their jackets on the playground and forget to pick up.  Then, lo and behold, on our way back home Johanna told me she left her jacket on the aqua table outside before PE!

bada bing bada boom

Gender Stereotypes

Around 9 a.m. yesterday morning, Johanna and I were having breakfast when I asked her and Elin to pick their most favorite emoji erasers.  On the count of 3, we all put our fingers on our top 1-2.  When I asked Johanna why she thought her favorite emoji with hearts on her face was a female, she said, "because girls fall in love more".  That was surprising.  Why would a girl who just turned 7 think that?  What other gender stereotypes does she (and Elin) harbor?  So we decided to categorize each of the 23 emojis as male, female and neutral ("either").  The results are in the picture attached, and I can't say I disagree with their selections.  Their reasons are a culmination of everything they've heard and seen at school, with friends, family, parents, teachers, cartoons/movies, books, media et al.  It would be interesting to know at what age they'd form these biases.  According to various studies, children as young as 4 years old can form very strong gender stereotypes.

Here is a summary of their gender selection criteria, with detailed responses below:
Girl characteristics:  fall in love more, longer eye lashes, curved eye lashes, pink cheeks, shiny tongue, wink, day dream, blush (in pink), dimples, big eyes, small mouth, kissy lips

Boy characteristics:  Look cool (or try to), fight, get knocked out, big teeth, look mad, tiny eyes and eye brows, blush in blue (not pink), red eyes, no eye lashes, big mouth

Click to enlarge

J:  Girl because girls fall in love more
J:  Girl because longer eye lashes
J:  It has a bow, lipstick and long eye lashes
J:  Boy because boys try to look cool and this one looks cool
J:  Girl because of long eye lashes
J:  Girl because of pink cheeks and tongue is shiny and is winking
J:  Girl because pink cheeks and when it smiles you can only see the teeth
J:  Boy because it looks like it was in a battle and got knocked out
J:  Girl because it has long eye lash (E: it has a dreamy look)
J:  Neither boy, nor girl because it's not cool, and it's not fancy
J: Boy because it has teeth big, mad open mouth (tiny eyes and eye brows)
J:  Boy because it's blushing blue

E:  Girl because it has a dimple just like the other obviously, and boys don't put hearts on their cheeks
E:  Girl because it's blushing
E:  Eyebrows are too long to be real without make-up
E:  Boy because teeth are showing and tongue is huge and it looks cool because eye brows
E:  Girl because lips too red to be natural (lipstick).  Long eye lashes, and it looks like it's dreaming
E:  That is soo a guy because small eyes and eye brows, big mouth, teeth are showing, big tongue
E:  Boy because small eye brows, red eyes and no eye lashes
E:  Girl because of blushy cheeks and kissy lips, and it has pink and red all over it, and looks like hypnotized by an expensive diamond necklace
E:  Girl because short eye lashes that are a little curved, and a dimple by the mouth and has a dreamy look

Disagree:
E:  Boy because mouth is wide open and teeth are visible, and tiny eye brows
J:  Girl because her eyes are like hearts

The Equestrian World

In February of this year (2017), Helena suggested we enroll the our two daughters in horseback riding classes in San Juan Capistrano.  My first reaction was one of sticker shock.  The cost of 4 classes of 1-hour each was $250 per child.  We can swing this for 1-2 months, I thought, and then one or both would lose interest as is the case with most extracurricular activities they engage in.

Mission Stable where the Bridges Equestrian herd is kept
Click on picture to see full size

The first day of class I was introduced to a whole new world.  As soon as I walked into the Mission stable - pictured left - , I felt like I was on a western movie set.  I've always had a not so favorable impression of the high class equestrian society.  These poor animals were roaming the earth freely until 3,500 BCE when they were domesticated for transportation, agriculture and warfare.  In more developed countries, they are used for sports and entertainment.

The cost of maintaining one horse is ~$2,500 a month for housing, food, farrier (trim hooves + shoeing), health care without emergencies or sickness (these would cost thousands more), and this is not counting training expenses or purchase cost.

Peculiarly, all of the equestrians at this set of stables are females.  In fact, the groomers and trainers are all females as well.  The only sign of males could be found in the occasional stable hand passerby; the ones hauling hay etc.  Why is that??  I did some internet research and found that while female riders dominate the amateur ranks, males dominate professionals in a sport where females and males compete together.  No one knows the reason why, but the fact that males dominate professionals is reasonable given the level of aggressiveness and dominant behavior required to be successful in the sport.  Today, (4-8-2017) I asked Tara, my kids' instructor, about her opinion on the matter.  She thinks it's because males refuse to wear the tight pants required for riding.  Tara has been a part of the Bridges Equastrian since she was 8.  She works there as a full time instructor, and even spends her days off on premises.  She is great.

Dior

On to the next item of interest:  How do horses feel about living a life partially in solitude quarters, ridden at the behest of owners and trainers, and castrated (gelded) to control masculine/aggressive behavior?  It turns out even though horses are herd animals, they can form a bond with humans or other animals, such as goats and sterile donkeys, and learn to live a satisfactory domesticated lifestyle.  The castrating (removing testicles) is not a psychological hindrance either since many male horses (stallions) do not mate in the wild.  A typical herd has one stallion to multiple mares.

And, what is the accident rate and severity in horseback riding?  The rate is similar to motorcycle riding.  80% of head injuries occur while mounted on a horse (the rest are on the ground when the horse kicks, typically the vet or farrier).   The rate of accidents in jumping and cross country eventing is higher than casual riding.  Over 100 deaths occur each year from head injuries out of 7 million riders in the U.S.  There are 10-20 times more non-fatal head injuries.  One study referenced 1 accident per 2,000 hours of riding.  With proper precaution and handling, this sport is less dangerous than many other common sports such as basketball.

A couple of fun facts:  Horses have a an average brain size of a tennis ball, they cannot breathe through their mouths, and they cannot vomit.

Johanna and Twinkle 4-2-2017 - Twinkle was in the movie The Princess and The Pony

Elin and Teddy 4-2-2017