Clear the way for this fat man - Gulp!

This guy comes outta nowhere - I'm guessing at least 300 lb. - and begins putting on moves to the Moonshine band playing vintage blues on stage on the last day of the Sawdust Festival in Laguna Beach.  At times, he would get within a few feet of me, and I'd feel the wooden deck tremble beneath my feet. I'll be honest, the thought of him falling on me briefly crossed my mind, but I'm proud to say I lived to tell the story.

When IKEA's got you by the balls

Anyone who has been to IKEA at least once is keenly aware of the gigantic baffling maze the layout of these stores are, and how escaping without a purchase is virtually impossible.  I bet top dollar IKEA has hired design consultants to break down the shoppers' bearings in an attempt to get them to travel the farthest distance from entrance to exit.  There are hidden or disguised shortcuts throughout, but they're better kept secrets than In 'N Out Hamburgers' underground menu.

Now imagine your 4 year old throws a tantrum, just long enough distance away from the entrance, and you threaten to take her back to the car!!!

The downward spiral began today when both of my daughters were told there was a 30 minute wait for the playroom.  Translation:  It ain't happening.  We were shopping for one item and weren't about to wait.  As we walked away from the playroom, the younger one slowed down, which is not exactly how we preferred to navigate this obstacle course.  Then when I told her I'd take her back to the car, she began crying defiantly.  So I picked her up and carried her a few feet before I realized I have to pass at least a few dozen shoppers, and then a healthy crowd at the check out counters, all over a long distance while my daughter was having none of it.  I immediately parked it in a secluded corner and told her if she stayed calm for 10 seconds, I'd let her down.  She demanded I put her down first.  I, of course, refused.  This negotiation went on for a couple of minutes before she relented to my surprise.

The moral of the story is, unless you're near the check out counter, not only does IKEA own you, but so does your little one.

Intelligent design at work - Part 1

The lord works in mysterious ways... 30 giant hornets kill and maim 30,000 bees in 3 hours, a kill ratio not seen since Pizarro's 150 men massacred 2,000 Inca Indians and lost only 5 or fewer of their own in the Battle of Cajamarca in 1532, when the Incas refused to convert to Christianity.

Is the pen mightier than the sword?

Helena broke a kids glass this morning, and Elin, my first grader wrote this note to me in secret, obviously proud of her new-found writing skills.  It was precisely at this moment that I realized the pen is mightier than the sword, and how quickly a novice writer can expose the guilty so effortlessly....

Chicken Butt & Chicken Bone

According to Elin who painted this, the character on the right is Chicken Butt and the one on the left is Chicken Bone.  Chicken Butt can fly, but Chicken Bone can only jump high.  They both live in an igloo and keep each other warm in the cold arctic weather.  I asked Elin how Chicken Butt can fly without wings.  She said the wings are under it.  He doesn't have legs.  He just flies, and when he's not flying, he jumps like a cricket.  And those are antennas on top of his head.  He uses them to balance himself when he bounces.  The circle above his head is just a cloud Elin didn't want me to write about, but I did anyway.  She insisted that I remove the reference to the cloud, and later changed it to a ball.  He juggles the ball with his antennas.

Let's talk about Chicken Bone now.  He is 4 years old and eats fish.  He finds a little hole in the ice, dips his head in and catches fish with his mouth.  His long neck helps him stick his head deep under water for feeding.

More to come later.....

Kid saying no to ice cream?? Is such a thing conceivable?

Yes it is.  I asked Elin as we were eating our bagel sandwiches if there would ever come a time when she would refuse ice cream.  She, of course, was certain she'd never say no.  After lunch, we headed over to Cold Stone Ice Cream a few stores down.  Elin ordered a kids' size cup with Cotton Candy and Vanilla flavors.  The kids' size was a surprise, because it would shame even adults.  Luckily, this was just the right size to put the hypothesis above to the test.  Elin finished half of the ice cream and pushed the cup towards me in defeat.  Even an hour later she said, "Pappa, ask me if I want ice cream".  She, of course, refused it.

Even a kid can say no to ice cream under the right circumstance.

Elin before refusing ice cream

Elin after refusing ice cream

Bless me father for I have sinned - The execution of a gnat

Johanna blocks the gnat

My two daughters and I were dining at Ruby's in Irvine tonight when Johanna refused to finish her burger meat because Elin told her the pesky gnat hovering over our food was in her meat.  I took Elin's milkshake away because of her rumor-mongering.  She immediately became apologetic and begged for her milkshake back.  She then told Johanna the gnat was on her (Elin's) hair and not on Johanna's burger, and proceeded to count to 60.  This is something I have her do when I put her in flash time outs, but this time it was unsolicited.  It was important for Johanna to finish her burger meat as we had struck a compromise.  The entire time at Ruby's, Johanna had shown no interest in her food whatsoever.  So I had made it a requirement for her to finish her slider meat if she wanted her milkshake.  I wasn't about to relent to a pipsqueek insect.  Johanna reached up at one point to block the gnat from flying to her direction.  A few seconds later, I killed the bastard and snapped the picture below as proof of my hand-eye coordination and speed.  Johanna looked at the dead gnat and asked "what are we gonna do with it"?  I replied, "I dunno.  Wanna take it home and bury it in the backyard?"  She shook her head from side to side, and the gnat's fate was summarily sealed, and Johanna finished her meat.

That bald guy in the background is the little kid's grandpa.  Prior to his arrival, Johanna was staring at the kid from a standing position on her seat for a couple of minutes.

This is how we take care of business when you step outta line

The U.S. affair with bottled water is a national scandal

$11.8 billion worth of bottled water was sold in the U.S. in 2011, a figure that is projected to overtake the sale of carbonated drinks in a few years.  While health conscious buyers revel in the freedom and choice bottled water provides, little do they know that their consumption is not without a hefty cost to the environment.  Each plastic bottle of water uses the equivalent of 1/4th of its volume in crude oil to manufacture and transport according to "BeCause Water":  Why Bottled Water is the Scam of the Century

The packaging and marketing may suggest the beauty of the natural world, but the reality has severe ecological consequences. The BeCause Water movement for water sustainability states that almost 3 million tons of plastic are used to produce bottled water worldwide, and 80 percent of this ends up in landfills. The Pacific Ocean now has an area twice the size of Texas called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, which is made up of plastic deposits.

Most bottling companies use public water sources for their products, but through marketing campaigns mask this fact.  And consumers drink it up to the tune of $1,000 per year per average household, which is 2,000 times more expensive than tap water.
The bottom line is, if you're consuming bottled water you're under the illusion that it's safer than filtered tap water, you're contributing to multi-level environmental degradation, and doing so at a hefty cost to your wallet courtesy of the mighty American advertising.

I dont understand the card

Elin, Johanna and I picked up a "daughter to mother" card at the car wash today.  After I read the card to them, Elin said, "I don't understand the card.  It's very cute, and I love it."  She also asked that she be the girl on the left, and Johanna the one on the right.  Johanna was oblivious to all of this and didn't get to vote, so I approved Elin's request.  Click on the pictures to zoom in.