I got no ass left today!

Captain's log - Stardate 40622 (that date translates to today's date in MS Excel):

After the first few words out of my wife's mouth this morning, I knew my fate was sealed for the day, and I would have my ass handed to me in short order.  We had eaten beef carpaccio (raw, very thinly sliced beef) the night before.  I picked up the food from our favorite restaurant, Anjin, in Costa Mesa.  We were warned that we shouldn't let the carpaccio sit for too long as it would rapidly spoil.  So my wife threw up a few times in the middle of the night and was in no shape to contribute to taking care of our two rascals.  My only regret is that I didn't throw up alongside her; a rare opportunity to take advantage of food poisoning.

The first undesirable moment of the day came when my wife handed me our 10 month old for what I initially believed to be a routine diaper change.  As I opened her diaper, the abhorrent scene almost made me faint.  There was so much mashed poop there that my first thought was to call CDC's Bioterrorism Unit for assistance.  The severity level of this poop case was high enough to fill out a whole Target plastic bag.  What came out of our lil' Johanna was without a doubt weapons-grade material.

Then, as I was eating my breakfast near the poopinator in her Fisher-Price Jumperoo (pictured below), she drooled like a gallon of saliva while she was whining with her arms open to be picked up the whole time.  Don't be fooled by that smile.  That's after I flipped open my cell phone to take a picture of her.  She was just posing.

Now, what I'm dying to know is who was the genius who designed this process of baby conception, development and birth?  'Cause if babies were products manufactured in the private sector, we'd have 100% recalls and exchanges after exchanges after exchanges.  Even Hyundai didn't roll off this many substandard products from their assembly line during their early days.  Can you imagine dealing with a semi-intelligent robot who burps in front of people, pees, poops and throws up all over your house, car and clothes (and other people's too), screams for no apparent reason, wakes you up in the middle of the night just because, and falls back to sleep just as quickly?

Who decided that's how babies should be?  Why couldn't they just sit still for a few years, observe and learn the proper way to behave?  A simple fail safe line of code in my older daughter's brain could hit her brakes as soon as she's about to poke her little sister in the eye.  She would freeze on the spot and reboot with hopefully better execution.  But no, babies come loaded with malwares of the worst kind, so powerful it takes a good 30 years for all of their ill effects to subside, but even then some persist.

And to top it all off, as I was typing the last sentence of this log, my daughter who was sitting on our fabric couch next to me looked up and said "Pappa, I peed" (see video below).  And we still have a half day to go!